her kitten pisses on my stairs
stares whenever we have sex
tests the thread count of coats
coats her fur in saliva breaks
the hard hearts of alley cats
makes obscene calls at night
lights candles leaves the room
buys crap from infomercials
uses my visa owes thousands
gives bookies my work phone
doesn’t recap the toothpaste
recaps movies I have yet to see
seizes interest in your company
snores and spits drools and farts
calls hip hop hippy hoppy knows
my atm pin knows my password
licks herself at family functions
talks on the cellphone at movies
fakes an awful southern accent
fakes orgasms feigns an interest
never leaves a tip clips her nails
on my bed never says thank you
smokes in my car sits on bibles
drinks all my wine is uncultured
shows up late for work long lunch
eats all the peanuts quotes fletch
steals from poor people makes
racist jokes gets drunk at functions
calls me fat calls me late at night
applied for a government bailout
and got it makes fun of handicapped
makes light of death breaks china
choked on tuna at a fine restaurant
sued the doctor gave the heimlich
lets food go rotten wrinkles suits
doesn’t flush doesn’t wash her hands
introduced britney to kevin federline
introduced anna nicole to pain pills
donates dirty blankets to sioux charities
hitler-staches the maternity ward babies
fraudulently insures old feeble retirees
convinced nbc that leno is still funny
promises girls stardom films them nude
sold my house on craigslist spent cash
knows I’m allergic to peanuts puts it in
everything steals my socks steals change
from the cup holder holds people hostage
drinks at aa meetings yells fire in crowds
burns down orphanages invented autotune
ripped up the aids quilt tests drugs on mice
double dips chips steals my parking space
introduced whitney houston to bobby brown
goes to strip clubs makes it rain counterfeit bills
tells anorexics and bolemics they are fat
pardoned nixon talks shit bootlegs movies
hacked into my computer wrote this poem
